Monday, November 17, 2008

Spinning Out of Control

NOTE: Rant worthy post. Certainly lots of misspellings and incorrect grammar. Probably not in any coherent order either. I just typed. I just got it out. You don't have to read... I wouldn't blame you! :)

I feel like the Tasmanian Devil has hit me and taken me along for a ride and I don't see a stop coming soon. Do you ever feel like your world is just spinning out of control and all you can do is watch? Well, right now, that's how I'm seeing things. Oh, and I'm feeling quite inadequate about getting everything done, too. My list is a mile long and when it reaches this point it's hard to decide what to do first and so many times I don't do anything out of sheer shock and denial.

My house is ATROCIOUS. Let me spell it out... at least three loads of dishes in my tiny kitchen piled up on the counters (we're even using the mud sink to hold dishes!), Jeff couldn't find blue jeans to wear today because they're dirty, the dogs are lucky to be fed every other day, my beautifully organized desk is hidden, I need to mop... NEED TO MOP!, our food that needs to be composted runneth over - big time, we have no groceries in the house, etc. etc. etc.

I just got over a cold and now Jeff is coming down with the same symptoms. The holidays are fast approaching and with all the food a little extra stress for me at the family gatherings with Witt's allergy on top of it all. Bills to pay. Letters to write. Coupons to clip.

Hunting season is going to be on top of me soon. More time with just me and the kids. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind Jeff's hobby. I knew about it from day 1 in our relationship. It's just a little stressful knowing that he's going to go sit in the quiet of the woods enjoying nature and I'm at home wrangling three bouncing boys. We've made a plan to sit down with the calendar and pick good weekends and days for him to hunt so we're not hashing through it each time he wants to go (yet another thing to do on my list). And let's hope for a successful season for Jeff!

I need to shop. The boys don't have proper Sunday pants; Will's winter coat is from last year and it's really too short in the arms; I need some new heels; and then there is all the Christmas shopping coming around soon.

Oh, and then there is the blog book that I want to get started too. That's a huge time taker. Hopefully it will go easier this year since I've already worked with the software from last year.

It's just feels never ending. Even just the daily routine of dishes and laundry. I seriously wonder how moms that work outside of the home do it all. They amaze me. Maybe I would get more done if I had more of a time constraint on me. I don't know. I do know that doing dishes and laundry every day gets VERY OLD VERY QUICKLY and I don't want to do it and so I put it off and then I'm in a spot where I am today... with more on my plate than I can handle.

Will is whiny. I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but we're finding objection from him in everything we do. He's pushing his limits and I'm trying to reel him in and keep my composure at the same time. I'm feeling really inadequate and harsh in the mommy department these days. This parenting thing is rough. I need to remember that they are 6, 3, and 18 months. They aren't teens that can do everything for themselves. It's just hard to be at everyone's beck and call and not get a little frustrated and feel like I'm doing more than my fair share. (Jeff does a fantastic job of helping me out, that's not what this is about. It's just the pull of the kiddos and only one of me.)

My personal bible study is nil. Nothing. Haven't gotten up early to read in a long, long time. We have some exceptional bible studies going on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, though. I am so thankful for them because they are thought provoking and nourishing. I need to be giving myself more time in the book on a personal level, though.

There are half read books on my night stand. Books I really want to finish. More books that I want to start. What do I do with my time!?! Where does it go?

I have lots of blogging to do, too - which may sound like something I should put last on my list, but I love keeping this blog. I love the priceless memories that I've been able to put down in writing. So, you'll still be seeing me here around the blog, but you might not be seeing me at your place. sorry.

I want to spend more time with my kids. I know I'm home with them during the day, but too much of the time we spend our time doing our own thing. Yes, even at 3 years old he has his "own thing". I'm not saying I want all consuming time with them. Just more quality time and better interactions.

AGH! I have so much disorder in my life! I need to bring order to this chaos!!!

Can you see that I want to change so many things? Where do I start? Do it all at once and hope the changes stick? Take one at a time until it's routine?

It's so easy to say what I'm going to do. It's even easy to see it on paper and make a schedule of things to do. The hard part is actually DOING IT. Follow through is not my strong suit. I'm fantastic at starting something new, but terrible at finishing it up. Another thing to work on.

Anyway, thanks for the vent. It's motivated me to get to work.

Now, where is that apron?

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Nowheymama said...

I think a lot of us feel this way, especially this time of year.

To cheer you up: I got my copy of Go Dairy Free in the mail this weekend, and your Must Follow Recipes blog is listed as a resource! Congrats!

Super B's Mom said...

Oh Becky - I'm SO SORRY you are going through a tough time. Seriously though - this post could have easily been describing my home life right now. You are NOT alone. I get so disgusted with my house - I would DIE if someone came over unannounced and saw what it "really" look like.

And there must be something in the water because B has been pushing me to the limit. I've cried so much lately b/c I feel like a failure when he talks back and argues. Lately, every single thing from brushing his teeth to putting his plate in the sink is an exhausting battle.

Remember this - you are NOT ALONE. Don't think for one minute that everyone but you "has it together." Try not to beat yourself up about it. This is a season that will pass.

I will be praying that God will clear your mind and your heart and help you to organize your life. I have to pray this upon my house daily because it is a constant struggle for me.

A Mom's job isn't easy. You have a huge amount of responsibility and it isn't fair to hold yourself to Superwoman standards. Because she simply doesn't exist. You are an amazing Mom, Wife, and Friend. ;)


Sadie said...

Definately not alone. I really needed to read something like this today, since it is exactly how I am feeling and can't seem to pull myself out of. Part of it is the time of year for me....less sun effects me a lot, that and just general burnout and stress.

Chef Penny said...

I feel that way a lot too! Two things have helped me.

1. immediately find time every day to spend with God. When I do that my day goes better. No question.

2. I pick the easiest thing on the list and get it done. Then I do something I want to do then I go back.

Anyway, it works for me! Off to do laundry!

Ali said...

Cold season taking over & hubbies who crave a BBD (big buck down, in case your hubby doesn't talk like this) - we have a lot in common.

Janis said...

Our mutual friend, Helen, gave me a refrigerator magnet that reads "Dull Women Have Immaculate Houses". (It is front and center on my frig). I can identify with you on every point you made in your post. Yes, there have been times when I could manage to be supermom but that was when I was younger and it came in cycles. I raised 2 daughters of whom I am very proud and can see the rewards of the quality time I spent with them instead of worrying about the condition of my house. I also quit work and stayed home with each of them when they were in the formative years and I have never regretted it. My girls were born 14 years apart so I can just imagine how much more overwhelmed you are feeling with 3 small boys. You are doing a wonderful job as a wife and mother. You have sacrificed so much to be at home with them. You are a very intelligent woman who shouldn't feel guilty about your blogging and memory making tasks. Your boys are so precious and they will enjoy reading about themselves to their own children someday, thanks to your efforts. I am retiring in a year and a half and I hope to do more housecleaning but more important things on my list will be making more memories with my family and posting past and present family memories on blogs, albums and making memory quilts for my children and grandchildren. Our children won't likely remember our houses weren't consistently clean but they will always have those important memories we have made for them to cherish and pass on.
My co-worker and I had a discussion today about how our bodies have their ups and downs, physically and mentally. The only women we know who always seem to have their act together are slim and hyperactive. It is in their genes. They were born that way. I am content with who I am, even with the ups and downs and thank God for the life he has given me. And I rejoice in the the fact that "I AM NOT DULL!!!" . . .and neither are you, my dear.