Poor Little Pitiful Me (Pity Rant)

Just a little FYI: I just need to vent. This isn't for you... it's for me. There may be too much info or not enough info. I'm just going to type and not reread. I just need to get my complaining over with so I can move on. Read or skip if you like...


I'm spent. I'm tired. I hurt. These last few months have drained me and now I'm just feeling quite empty. I feel like I don't have much to give my children or my husband. I'm tired and just want to be alone to rest and possibly cry.

We've traveled to so many doctor's appointments in this last year, not even counting all of mine when I was pregnant. Sick visits, well visits, ear tubes, broken leg, allergists, TMJ issues, back pain, shoulder pain, chiropractors, orthopedists, I'm sure there's more... I just can't think and don't want to right now.

Right now I'm fearing today's appointment the most or maybe it's just the straw breaking me finally. Will has been going to the chiropractor with me now for a week. He's been walking on his tip toes since he was about 2 1/2 years old. Today we have another chiropractor visit and our first appointment in a different county with an orthopedist. There is a possibility that Will is going to need surgery to lengthen the tendons in his legs so that he can walk properly. Cut tendons?! What? That is so scary to me. I don't even know how to explain to Will why he is going to so many doctors. He's a bit of a worrisome child and I don't want him to think he's done anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with him. I don't want to constantly tell him to walk flat footed because I don't want to draw attention to it. I just don't know what to do. I hope everything will go well today and I can look back at this and say I shouldn't have worried. In typing that I think about the fact that God has told us not to worry. That he will only give us what we can handle. I am also thinking that right now he is thinking too much of me. I am emotionally weak right now.

I am tired. Witt is not sleeping well. He's teething. Teething with my first two boys was a breeze. It was like, "Oh! There's a tooth! Surprise!" Witt, no. He moans throughout the night. His nose runs, his mouth runs, I swear he's just got fluid pouring out of his face. He's a puddle. I'm up with him nursing at least twice a night because it soothes him back to sleep. His gums hurt and when he nurses he hurts me because he can't latch on properly. I'm really considering switching to pumping daily and giving him a bottle. I'm not ready to switch to formula as it scares me to death thinking of what his first bottle did to him. It's been recommended to go to soy, but then I read that too much soy is bad... especially for boys and especially early on. There is so much estrogen in soy that they compare it to giving several birth control pills daily. It has caused some boys to grow breasts among other things. It's just sounds awful. So what do I do? Go broke and buy the really really expensive stuff when I have free "stuff" that I can provide? It's just going to take a lot of time and I don't feel comfortable pumping in front of the boys so I'm going to have to schedule it appropriately. More time I don't have right now...

I took Nathan to the pediatrician this past week because he's never really gotten over his last cold. More than a cold. He had a spot on his lungs, but not quite pneumonia. The pediatrician said that in kids with ear tubes they either get sick and get better or get sick and get sinus infections. Nathan has a sinus infection. More antibiotics. More diarrhea. Bless his little bottom. On the bright side, he is walking fine as the cast has been off for a month. That is getting better.

Jeff's company just received a huge amount of projects for this next quarter. I'm glad because it will help bring in more money for us to get started on building our house, but not so glad because it will mean more time away from his family and more stress on him. I hate for him to be stressed from work and come home to me in shambles. He is such a wonderful, supportive husband. He's a rock. I don't know how he manages it all.


The last few days I'm realizing that I don't have healthy kids. I don't have the sickest of children, but mine aren't the healthiest either and that bothers me. I don't know why but it does. We weren't sick growing up (that I remember). The occasional cold, yes, but nothing like what I'm dealing with. [And I do realize there are mothers dealing with much more than I am.]
I just need a break. I was asked last night at church when the last time Jeff & I had a date was. The only thing I could think of was my birthday in April. It completely passed by me that just this past weekend we were in Nashville for a whole night! But you know what we did that night, I took a muscle relaxer and he took a sleeping pill. After the Christmas party, we slept... each in a different bed. There were two queen beds in our room (we didn't make the reservations). Anyway, we slept. We drugged ourselves to make sure we slept. How pitiful is that!

I also had a doctor's appointment this week to follow-up on my low iron. Turns out I have TERRIBLE TERRIBLE cholesterol. Almost none of the good stuff and way too much of the bad. Thankfully the dr said it's mostly hereditary and not what I'm eating (at least it's not my fault). However, I do need to watch my diet and start exercising. He wants me to visit with a nutritionist, which I would LOVE to do, but I see it more along the lines of unnecessary amongst all these other doctors and specialists. I don't have the time even though it is COMPLETELY PAID FOR by the lab they use. I don't pay a penny, I just have to have the time. Which I don't.

So, here's what I'm doing. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I'm making my way through each doctor's appointment hoping there won't be a follow-up. Deal and cope with the information I'm given and change my lifestyle to fit accordingly. I just want some normalcy. I just want a week (maybe even two) without a doctor of some sort. I want to not be rushed. I want rest and peace in my life. I have high hopes and lots of praying to do for 2008.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm not usually a big grump that complains a lot. Come back and visit us another time, I promise we do have fun stuff happen here! :)