Because We're All Adults

Ok, I'm sure I've got you wondering what on earth I'm posting about with that title. I've been debating whether or not to post this story, being that some of it is adult content, but I find the whole scenario quite funny. So, I am assuming there aren't any kiddos reading this blog as it would pretty much be very boring for them and I'm assuming the majority of my readers are moms. That "mom" part is important because what I want to discuss, although not extremely racy by any stretch of the means, is the exact subject that refers to the deed that made you a mom. So, with that said... if you are not over 18 please stop reading because I don't want to get sued for corrupting your mind! And mom, or Auntie Mary, or any family member or anybody else that doesn't want to know any detail about that part of my life... stop reading now. It's not like I'm giving really personal information, but still... stop reading now... please. Before I embarrass myself.


So, with that big intro here goes... I hope this doesn't disappoint in the laughter area and I hope I don't offend. If I don't get many comments or I get ugly comments, I'm sure to erase this post and pretend it never happened. Ok, now I promise to start the story...

I think.

Ok.

Once upon a time...

I went to Bo.oksAMill.ion with a friend of mine and all three of my kids. We had a pleasant time, picked out some books and headed to the check-out. Up by the register was a sales table and a Valentine's oriented table. I checked out both. There was a hot stones massage set on the clearance table for about $7.00! I thought that would make a nice Valentine's gift for Jeff... ok, actually for me. So with that thought I also check out the Valentine's table for Jeff. There I find some sweet things and then my eyes catch a glimpse of a s.exscratchers book. Basically a booklet of lottery scratch tickets where the "prizes" are all s.ex related. Could be fun... why not? I grab one while my friend is wrangling my two oldest boys and I'm rocking the baby back and forth in the buggy. I hide it amongst my books and we all head to the checkout.

There's no line at the checkout and my friend goes first with her purchases. A man steps in line behind me. Nathan runs off to the coffee section to make friends with a table full of girls. Will is hanging on a nearby railing and I'm still swaying the baby in the buggy. My friend completes her transaction and I put my items down with the booklet hidden. The cashier starts scanning. The computer freezes after she scans the booklet. She puts the booklet down on top and mumbles something about the computer. We sit and wait. A lady steps in line behind the man behind me. We wait... The booklet blaring on top of the pile.

I can't see Nathan. "Where is Nathan?" The man behind me tells me that Nathan is still over in the coffee shop area. Ok. I see him. So, this tells me the man is paying attention to my little family and probably has noticed my purchase. I start thinking about what a sight I must be. I can't contain my kids... even with help... I'm buying a s.ex book and I have a baby. I'm thinking every one is thinking that I really don't need that book. They probably see that I've already got my hands full and they probably think I don't need to have s.ex ever again because obviously I don't realize that it can cause more children. My mind races in crazy directions. Still I stand my ground and wait for the computer to work. Another man steps in line. The cashier calls for backup (at least it wasn't a price check!)

The computer begins to work and she picks up my booklet again to rescan. And rescan and rescan. It finally registers. She totals up my purchase. I'm $3 short of using my $10 off $50 purchase coupon! Ugh. There at the register are some book thon.gs... yes, really that's what they are called... so appropriate. They are $3 and change. I pick one in haste. The cashier looks at it and cheerfully says, "Are you sure you want this one... it has a car on it. I don't want you to leave the store with something you don't want. Pick a pretty one!" All my purchases are stacked up on the counter with the booklet still blaring right on top. I struggle to find a better looking tho.ng; they are all twisted and tied together. I finally choose one as the back up cashier arrives and the man last in line leaves my line. My friend gathers Will and Nathan and takes them to the car. The cashier totals my order. I have a gift certificate for $8.17 to use before I swipe my credit card...still with the booklet blaring... put it in the bag already!!! Ok, out comes the bag. I sign my name, apologize to the people behind me for the wait and make my way out the door.

I get home and put the bag in my closet so Jeff won't find his gift. Later that night I decide to rip out one and put it in his car for him to find the next morning. That would be a good morning surprise, right!?

By noon the next day I hadn't heard from Jeff so I called him. I apologize for something from the day before and ask if my present made up for the mistake? He says, "Oh, that was from you?" "OF COURSE IT WAS!!! How many people did you have to decide from?!" He joking says he thought maybe he had a secret admirer. Ha. Ha. I ask him if he "won" anything and he tells me he hasn't had a chance to check as it was really dark this morning and he's had a fast paced day at work. Fine. That's no fun. We say our "I love yous" and get off the phone.

Jeff arrives home and pulls out the scratch-off when we're alone in the kitchen after the boys were in bed. He scratches and scratches. He tells me I've been jipped. The cards don't scratch off. Sure enough nothing was scratching off. He smiles up at me and tells me I should take them back for a refund. Ummm... No. Not after what I went through to get them in the first place!

I tell him that we'll just say that I used the gift certificate (from his mom) to buy them and that we aren't out any money. He laughs and asks if he can tell his mom what he got with her money? Again.... no.

I go back to the room and pull out the booklet. Some do have actual scratch-offs that work. Apparently the one I gave him must have missed the machine that puts the scratch-off stuff on. So in the end, maybe we will have a nice Valentine's Day after all?!

In the end, here's the lesson I've learned... if I ever decide to by adult "stuff" again, I'll buy it off the internet so that it arrives in an unmarked brown box. The shipping will be worth it. I won't do it with children nearby or a line of people behind me. I won't buy it with a cheery cashier that questions my purchases. Maybe I won't buy anything at all and just use a suggestion from a friend... I won't tell you who, but I'll share the information... when hubby is in the shower, put on one of his white undershirts and join him. That won't cost anything... he'll be just as happy. I'm taking her word for it as I have yet to try it myself.

Anyway.

So, there's my first adult post. Maybe too much information for you. This post might be gone tomorrow. It certainly won't find itself in my book that I print for 2008. And to think, someone stumbledupon my blog for the "family" content just yesterday!